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By Chris Addison on Tuesday 5 April 2011

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Chris Addison - Marie Claire columnist - Marie Claire UK

I was reading the Daily Mail the other day… Wait! Don’t judge me, I didn’t mean to – a copy of it was blown against my eyes by a particularly small-minded gust of wind. Anyway, among the articles was an item telling me that the secret to a solid marriage is to apply to it the principles of big business.

It’s obvious when you think about it. After all, what was BP’s reluctance to take responsibility for the Louisiana oil spill but a macro version of refusing to get up from the sofa because it’s not your turn to wash up? And what is News Corporation’s dogged pursuit of a media monopoly if not essentially an attempt to keep control of the remote?
I looked at my own happy, 13-year relationship and realised how foolish I have been, how much time I have wasted. Oh, the regret!  Yes, I have a wonderful wife, but I’ve always considered her – I’m almost too embarrassed to write it – a soulmate, a life partner. Now I see what she truly is: a valued colleague.

Well, you can imagine that we decided to shake things up at once. No sooner had I shown my slightly sceptical wife – or as I should now refer to her, my co-shareholder – the article, than I sent the children (more properly, ‘The Company Assets’) to bed and convened a board meeting.

First thing was to structure the business formally. Obviously she became Chief Executive Officer, thanks to winning the ‘Who’s the one who knows where everything is in the house?’ argument. She’s also Chief Financial Officer because, unlike me, she can add up and knows the Sainsbury’s log-in. I thought I might be in with a shout for Chief Engineering Officer until the CEO and CFO reminded me that they do the DIY while I occasionally need help wrapping Christmas presents. I fought hard for Chief Operating Officer, but my pitch was undermined by having to stop halfway through to ask why the washing machine kept flashing an error message. In the end, the other  officers voted me Honorary Secretary – a compromise, they said, between what I’d asked for (President for Life) and what was realistic (Receptionist).

I began by tabling a motion about upping bonuses. The CEO cocked an eyebrow and suggested that in the current climate, bonuses were not appropriate. I pointed out that I didn’t give two hoots for the current climate, would like a bonus anyway and that tonight was as good a night as any, so we should take a pause in the meeting and get a bonus paid. The CEO said our bonuses were quite sufficient as they were. I responded that we didn’t have bonuses half as much as in the early days of the company and that some people seemed to be having bonuses all the time. The CEO indicated we should postpone the discussion until the next meeting. I said I wasn’t sure the CEO and I were talking about the same thing. The CEO cocked the other eyebrow and said she was certain we were and that I should put my trousers back on.

By now, as you might imagine, I was beginning to doubt whether the advice in the paper had been so good after all. Plus, back before we ran things like a business, I’d never really considered the possibility of things like hostile takeovers or – heaven forbid – a merger. I know some couples go to merger parties but that’s just not my cup of tea.
I knocked on the CEO’s office door (formerly the living room) and asked if she thought we might be better off forgetting this whole silly business thing. Trying to hide a smile she said she’d have to consult the rest of the board. Fortunately they agreed, on the proviso that they got to keep the first-class travel allowance and country club membership.
So thankfully all is back to how it was before in our relationship and it’s business as usual. Or, mercifully, not.

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Re: Chris Addison's column, 4th May article

Maybe it's something to do with the fact that there is some truth in the theory that little girls do base their conception on manhood on the primary male figure in their lives; maybe it's because I have never been one to simply and blindly accept society's rigid parameters as to what constitues a man or a woman...whatever. I'll just say this. I know what I like and what I don't like when it comes to the opposite sex. Testosterone is nice in small amounts - any more than that is, quite frankly, nauseating. Give me 'bookish' and 'milksop' any day of the week. A high I.Q. and an ability to articulate is like Spanish fly to me. And as for that oh-so-lithe physique...I'm currently single, and I'm searching for Chris Addison's twin...I expect I'm going to be searching for a lifetime, as they tend to be spoken for. ALL of my ideal qualities in one beautiful lanky package? In my dreams. Mrs. A is the luckiest woman on this earth. Nuff said.
Comment by Julie Rothwell on June 01 13:28