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Confessions of a first-time mistress

By Bibi Lynch on Wednesday 4 November 2009

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Unhappy couple - Breakup stories - Marie Claire

Bibi Lynch always thought that women who slept with married men were cold, calculating cheats. So how did she become one? She tells her story to December's Marie Claire.

I don't know why I'm writing this or why I would choose to offload in such a public manner. Maybe it's my Catholic need for forgiveness, or maybe  I still can't believe what I did and seeing it in print will somehow make it real. But I'm going to tell you something awful about myself. Please don't hate me.

From early to mid-2007, I had an affair with a married man. I'm tempted to throw in an exclamation mark because, if you knew me, you'd understand how shocking that is. I've always seen myself as quite righteous and moral and, in nearly 15 years of dating, I've never cheated on anyone. OK, I had 'We were on a break!' sex once, but I have always tried to be  honest and respectful in relationships. I've been quite puritanical about the  fidelity issue, thinking men who cheat are the shittiest of creatures and women who go with them are morally bankrupt.

To me, cheating was unforgivable,  cruel, weak and wrong. So no marrieds or obvious players for me. Until two years ago, when I became a mistress.

What made me do it? How did I turn from Laura Ingalls into Jezebel? Well, M certainly captivated me. He was bright, talented and when I saw him walk into the party I was at with a friend, I actually gasped. The power of the gasp cannot be over-exaggerated. I mean, how often does someone actually take your breath away? It obviously takes a stronger woman than me to ignore it.

Sexually, he was very  attractive. Tall, dirty-blond hair, cocky smile. I spotted him scanning the room for attractive girls to talk to - I'm aware I was probably way down the list - and when he did eventually focus on me, it was all charm guns blazing.

I assumed he was  single when we started talking. He wasn't there with a woman and I only noticed the ring after about an hour. But, and you must believe me here, I couldn't work out if it was on his wedding finger.  I did the head tilt to work out if it was on the left or right. But he kept moving and by the time I'd properly clocked it, I was several cocktails (and a hand on the small of my back) in. And doomed.

We laughed and talked about music, and when our mutual friend suggested  going back to her place to carry on with the party, I readily agreed (especially  because M kept asking if I would go).

Back at the flat, a group of us drank till the early hours. Then they all went off to sleep and left M and me chatting. The talk obviously moved on to relationships. 'How are you single?' he asked. And then he moved in for a kiss. I actually pulled back, saying: 'You can't do this.' But then he tried again and again. The final time,  I didn't resist. Suddenly we were on my friend's sofa, kissing and fumbling like  babysitting teenagers. We didn't have full sex that night because  I think neither of us  believed that we should. Somehow, half-sex didn't really feel like cheating.

He took my number and I really, really wanted him to call me. I hate to say it, but I was beside myself with excitement. I'd just done something naughty and decadent. I know how this reads, but I want to be honest. I didn't think twice about his wife. Yes, it was an un-sisterly thing to do but the guilt was shockingly easy to deal with. My heart was caught, so my head decided to skew my perception to help me justify my behaviour. 'Well, I'm not the married one,' I told myself. My head didn't let me really think about his wife. I didn't picture her as an innocent, wronged woman. Instead, in my mind,  she had to be some nasty piece of work whose unpleasant ways and withholding of sex (of course they weren't having sex) were driving him to infidelity. I mean, no one cheats if they're happy, right? Hmm.

I'd met (and resisted) men like M before. So why go for a married man now? To be honest, it wasn't just about him. It was the blow-everything-apart dynamite combination of M and where I was at in my life. I hadn't had a long-term relationship in ten years. Of course I'd had dates and many six-monthers in that time, but even those had dried up. My last dalliance before M had been two years earlier. When you've been so long without affection, with things not working out when you play the game right, something in you changes - albeit temporarily. I started thinking: 'What's the point in playing it how I usually play it?' The night I met M, I certainly blanked out everything other than 'To hell with it, I never get the deep stuff, so this will do and I deserve something.'

It's like this: a good, healthy relationship is like a hearty loaf of wholemeal bread. It fills you, sustains you, is good for you. I didn't have any bread. Not even a slice. So I took some crumbs. I was after any romantic sustenance. I know this sounds like the poorest excuse but I really needed the (even limited and wrong)  attention. M liked me enough to jeopardise his marriage and, while it sounds  sick now, at the time that felt like a  compliment. It was a real 'oasis in the desert'  moment for me.

And then there was the sex. After the first time, I could have blamed the booze and never seen him again. But that wasn't going to  happen. Even though we didn't go much further than kissing and touching, thinking about that night still makes my  stomach flip. It was seriously hot. This man was forbidden - there is no sexier recipe.

M was very complimentary about my body and the sex. Not because there's anything extraordinary about me but because I was a new - and therefore exciting - body for him. He's been with his wife for years and sex with a new person was an explosion of fresh turn-ons and responses. The excitement in his eyes made me feel very sexy indeed. There was an incredible  frisson between us. Even his leg pressing against mine under a table would drive me crazy. Everything just felt heightened. Was it because it was illicit or because we knew it wouldn't last? Probably both. The sexual chemistry was intense. He told me he was addicted to me, and I would shake when I was near him.

Add to that the furtive 'arranging' texts, the late-night rendezvous, the hotel rooms (paying by cash only), the chilled fizz, the month-long anticipation. That can't help but be more thrilling than a Friday night in front of the TV.

Sex aside, the affair was not much fun. Pretty soon it was angst-ridden and demeaning. I just felt so bad doing this to another woman. Also, M once left me in a hotel at 5.30am so he could get to work. He threw a ten-pound note on the table for my cab home. He couldn't have made me feel more like  a whore if he'd tried.

Including the night we first met, we only saw each other four times in five months (and had sex three times). The fling ended when his guilt ('I feel like such a shit') and my self-protection kicked in. I remember waiting and waiting for him to call me - for over a week. And when he did finally ring, I was really off with him  because I was so hurt by the realisation of what this was to him - nothing. When it hit me that he didn't need to call me for a week, but I really needed him to, I reverted back to 'good girl' and said we should end it. He agreed and that was it. My experience of being a mistress was over.

Looking back, my craziest delusion was the building up of this affair. I completely romanticised him and his interest in me. I turned it into a love story. What if M was the man I was supposed to be with? What if this wasn't just a mucky little affair but simply an unfortunate start to a lifetime together? This was the only way my 'good girl' brain could explain my 'bad girl'  actions so I could forgive myself. But I came to realise this was madness. I know myself better now. Ultimately I guess I just can't do the 'casual' thing. But nor do  I want to. I mean, who seriously wants to share their man with another woman?

THE BIG DEBATE: CAN BE RELATE TO BIBI? LET US KNOW YOUR EXPERIENCES OF INFIDELITY HERE

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You obviously don't have any morals, otherwise you would never have done this.
You are just the same as all the cheap trash out there who do this type of thing.
I hope one day you will be on the receiving end of an affair, so you can feel exactly what it feels like when someone stabs you in the heart.
Comment by Liz on November 30 20:57

As long as you keep the affair on the right table, you've no responsibility. If you're single and you like a guy, you don't have to make a decision instead of him.

See, I don’t care if the guy I’m having sex with is married or engaged or has a pregnant girlfriend. It’s their life and their decision if they want to cheat. No-one is forcing them.

I do despise that behaviour and I despise these blokes. Wouldn’t be friends with them. But there are times when all you want is a simple shag. And sometimes you don’t know the chap’s circumstances but sometimes you do. Because they tell you. Because they want you to stop them because they know it’s wrong. And even though they know it, they’re still doing it, and hope that someone else will make a decision instead of them – or at least it won’t be found out. Guess what, I’m not the person to make that decision because I don’t care. He lost my respect the second he hit on me when his significant other is probably at home cooking him dinner. I even hope that after having rampant sex with me, he’ll feel terrible and repentant. But it tells a lot about your husbands, boyfriends, fiancés etc. that they rarely do. Don’t you hate them because of that? Because I do.

But I actually know that you don’t hate them – you can’t, you’re in love. So you rather hate me or the "mistress". And look down on us. But let me ask you a simple question: have I promised you by words or behaviour that I’m not gonna have sex / love / emotions with anyone else? Or was it your bloke who goes to sleep peacefully and satisfied next to you in the same bed, thinking how great he still is, having scored with a girl tonight?

And believe me, he was completely able to weigh his options and to make his own decision. And it was against you. So dump the asshole and find a real man!

Comment by Sarah on November 30 21:15

I have to agree with the author about this. I haven't had a serious relationship for 5 years, I'm playing the right game but most men I date never want to take it further than a few months. I can't even remember what its like to have a boyfriend. Something has changed in me because of this, maybe its becoming bitter and cynical.

I need affection, I have a high sex drive. I have had an affair in the past with a married man and it was simply just for sex, he wasn't stringing me along and making promises, I didn't have to worry about playing it cool - it was what is was.

Like the author of this article I was taking crumbs from the table. I don't think anyone understands what its like to be single for years in your 30's unless they've actually been there themselves.

I'm sure lots of married women will read this thinking I'm pathetic - well do you know what? You're right.
Comment by Kylie D on December 06 13:19

Kylie, you're not pathetic. This situation isn't good for any of the players except the guy. And sometimes it's not even that good for him.
I've been the other woman, and one of my friends has been 'the wife' so i have seen what it does to women on either side of the story. The wife thinks the other woman has the upper hand, and the other woman thinks the reverse.
There's nothing to be gained by judging each other, and name-calling is just pointless.
What i would say is this: whether you're the mistress or the wife, if your relationship is consistently unhappy, then something is very wrong.
My friend is married to a man who has told her he no longer loves her, and she still hangs on in there (two years later) hoping he will change his mind. It's a long life, if we're lucky - is waiting around to be loved by your HUSBAND the best way to live it?
As for me, i ended my affair. The man is still with his wife, they are both unhappy but getting on with it - they have a child. That's their choice. I was unhappy that i had to 'fit in' with his life, and in the end it made me happier overall to be without him. It broke my heart. I miss him every day. But i don't miss feeling like my 'full' life was on hold.
I feel very strongly that life is for the living. Merely 'existing', whether you're a wife or a mistress is a terrible waste.
Women must think of themselves, and be responsible for their own happiness at the end of the day. A man can be the problem, but he's rarely the solution.
Comment by Milly on December 18 10:52

I am really thankful that there are individuals out there that are willing to share the story to help others understand.

Unfortunate, though. I still heard so much justification in this story.

There is someone waiting at home. She was a good wife who was there cooking for him and taking care of those four children while waiting. She didn't get a phone call or know where he went any one of those times he was with you. She wondered but had no way of knowing for sure.

She loved that man. So did the children.

I could only wish to hear from another betrayed wife and parent who has been here. Maybe that could be the next focus. I would like to know who has been on the other end of this and how she likes single parenting after excusing all of this affair stuff to their children.

And I would like the "other" women to read about MY LIFE.

I remember one of these other women calling me.
I feel so sorry about this..
But it wasn't my fault.
You shouldn't be upset with me.
It's only him you should blame.
I care about him.
But if your kids lives are messed up they'll get over it.

Really? You say "As long as you keep the affair on the right table, you've no responsibility"..
Um..
If you care at all about this other individual you would put their best interest first. THis would include not having sex with someone who is married.
Duh!

It's like "Hey, I know you're an alcoholic and I love you but I'm just gonna pour you this one drink"..
smooch, smooch.

That's sick

Comment by Jessica on January 05 15:18

Jessica, I'm so sorry that you have been through such a terrible time. It sounds like your partner was a 'repeat offender'. But it also sounds like you are forging a life without him now. Yes, it's difficult... but it's better than being with someone who has no respect, regard or real love for you.
It sounds like you are not bad-mouthing your ex to your children. Well done for that. So many women use children to try and 'keep' their partners with them.
When the man i was involved with tried to leave his wife, she told their little boy that daddy didn't love him any more and wouldn't want to see him again.
The thing is, the 'other woman' who phoned you was right - he was the one who had it all to lose. And he risked it anyway. If it hadn't been her, it would have been someone else. It might feel like she's the enemy, but is she?
You wanted him not to cheat, i imagine. She wanted him to be with her. In a way, you both wanted the same thing from him - to be with him and not to have to share.
While a wife thinks 'leave my husband alone, he's mine and you have no right to want him', the mistress is thinking 'if he loved you, he wouldn't be here with me'. Isn't there a lot of truth in both of these statements?
Comment by Milly on January 07 10:48

I have recently been the wife of a cheating husband. My husband's affair partner told me if he hadnt chosen her, it would have been another woman. That is no doubt the truth in this situation. However, how can you justify that you, personally, will possibly cause so much hurt to the wife and the rest of that family? If the "other woman" could only walk in the shoes of the betrayed spouse and suffer the devastation, perhaps she would think twice about having an affair with a married man.
Comment by ronnie on January 07 20:21

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