The Rules

Posted by Isabel Dexter at 00:51 on 29 Jul 2010

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I always thought it was kind of easy to be a Rules Girl. You know, be the first to end the call, don't have sex until at least date seven, never text first, act mysterious, Always Leave Him Wanting More. Easy, right? Especially if you're not even that bothered in the first place. But quite boring too. Besides, my really great relationships always started much more haphazardly than that and when I least expected it. When I had food in my hair or had missed my train and was wearing ski trousers. When I had sex too soon, texted too much or did that nauseating 'no you hang up first' thing. No wonder my favourite Grease quote is "the rules are there ain't no rules."

It just doesn't wash in Paris though, where the phrase 'il faut' (you must…) is bandied around like justification for the most ridiculous things. To find out the balance on my bank statement I have to go to my own branch all the way out in the sixth. And only between 3pm and 4.30pm on Tuesdays and Thursdays. I just spent all day on hold to HSBC France's customer care line only to be told this. Then I came home and they'd sent me an invite to a 'cocktail party' at my branch, but still no bank statement. So French. Wonder if "I'd love to go but I need you to give me an overdraft first so I can buy a new Herve Leger dress" would work?

Similarly there are rules for things I didn't even know had rules. Don't mix sweet and savoury foods. Making eye contact in the street is a come-on. Not making eye contact in a shop/restaurant is unspeakably rude. Pushing in the queue is fine though. But no smiling, please people.

Talking in whispers to one person at a big dinner party is perfectly acceptable, even if you're gossiping about someone else at the table. Laughing too loudly is unforgivable. Kissing your boyfriend on the metro, even when you're sitting with other friends, is perfectly normal. As is pushing through the barrier with a stranger so you don't have to pay. Smiling at strangers on the metro (even the ones you pushed through the barriers with) is just bizarre. They don't teach you that in GCSE French. Now repeat after me "il faut que…"

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