I MADE THE MISTAKES, SO YOU DON’T HAVE TO

Posted by Rachael Wright at 01:11 on 23 Jun 2010

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Three days in The Hamptons. This was it, ladies. My chance to join the upper crust... Find that elusive filthy rich husband... Eat in the finest restaurants without knocking anything over... Yes, I was on my way to meet my destiny when I boarded the train from Penn Station to East Hampton.

But this is me we're talking about. My destiny always turns out a little bit different to the picture in my head. Although I did eat in a posh restaurant and nothing was spilled - two out of three ain't bad, as the great Meatloaf once said.

Before I say anything else, I'm going to impart some words of wisdom which weren't divulged to me or my travelling companion, Lindsey, when we consulted guide books, harnessed the power of Google and asked friends for tips for our trip.

RENT. A. CAR.

If you're planning to visit this lovely part of New York State (and you really should), make no mistake - YOU NEED WHEELS. Preferably the type that come attached to an engine. You can take the train there (probably better to do this as the traffic can be horrendous in and out of the city), but a car is imperative if you actually want to go anywhere. Why no one thought it necessary to tell us that a car is vital in The Hamptons is a mystery. Everything of interest - from the main villages to the beautiful beaches - is spread miles apart and taxis are phenomenally expensive. And that's if they want to pick you up at all. They don't sometimes, which is nice when you have a train to catch...

If you happen to be me or Lindsey, hiring a car is generally A Very Bad Idea. We passed our driving tests a good 10 years after everyone else and neither of us has done much in the way of behind-the-wheel action since the DVLA made the questionable decisions to deem us safe to be on the road. But we wanted to go to the beach and we weren't going to let something as inconsequential as ‘we might die' get in the way of that.

Two hours later, we arrived at Atlantic Beach - a 15-minute drive from our starting point. We had sat nav, typed-out directions and a map. And yet we still drove all the way to Montauk, used some extremely colourful language, turned into a rich person's driveway, nearly died reversing out of it, nearly died driving on the wrong side of the road (that one was Lindsey) and nearly died trying to understand the rule about being able to turn right on a red light in America but-only-sometimes-which-makes-absolutely-no sense-so-just-go-and-hope-for-the-best.

If anyone of importance in Long Island is reading this (and why wouldn't they be?), can you maybe install some road signs? You currently have approximately three and this is no good to anyone. Also, your 30mph speed limit on an empty, straight road seemed a bit overly cautious, so I hope you didn't mind me taking it upon myself to decide 60mph was a more suitable speed.

We only had our little car for an afternoon which meant we were otherwise tied to our hotel when its shuttle service finished at 5pm. We stayed at East Hampton Point which is essentially a mini-version of Kellerman's. Cue much acting out of Dirty Dancing scenes after a few margaritas...

We learned another very important lesson while staying here. If you're eating in a restaurant with a menu that doesn't have prices on it, your evening will almost certainly end with some bad news. And Googling to discover it's ‘the most expensive restaurant in East Hampton' is best done before you order the 14oz steak, not when you get home.

The thing is, saying ‘well, we are on holiday' seems to justify all bad behaviour, including that bottle of champagne (the second cheapest, so we didn't look like heathens), but unfortunately it doesn't get the $200 bill paid. We will know this for next time.

The Hamptons 411

STAY
East Hampton Point
A cottage complex overlooking the marina in Three Mile Harbor. So beautiful and it's such a terrible shame America doesn't have squatters' rights, like we do, because we'd still be there.  Perhaps not such a shame for them.
295 Three Mile Habor Road, East Hampton, NY 11937 :: Easthamptonpoint.com

EAT
Bostwick's Chowder House
A low-key, laid-back café-style restaurant serving traditional New England seafood dishes like proper clam chowder and lobster roll. Delicious.
227 Pantigo Road, East Hampton, NY 11937 :: Bostwickschowderhouse.com

DRINK
Malibu
Malibu & Pineapple is my drink of choice when I'm on holiday. It's strictly for classy broads - it's Britney Spears' favourite drink, so I hear. I found this cocktail recipe in a posh Hamptons magazine and it looks amazing:
The Malibu Boom
3 parts Malibu
2 parts pink grapefruit juice
2 parts lemonade
Orange and lemon to garnish

SHOP
Main Street - East Hampton
Catherine Malandrino, Temperley, Tiffany's, Hermés, Elie Tahari... Oh, hello everything in the world that I covet. Luckily, there's also a Starbucks, which is more appropriate for my credit limit.

GO
The beaches
We went to Atlantic Beach in Amagansett (home to SJP when she's not in the city), but there are so many idyllic spots complete with dunes and clapperboard houses overlooking the ocean, you're seriously spoilt for choice.

SEE
Montauk
I've been obsessed with the idea of going to Montauk ever since I watched Eternal Sunshine Of The Spotless Mind for the first time. I didn't see as much of it as I'd like to have done, so I'm going back asap. Hopefully to live when I find someone to buy me a house there. Any takers?

Listening to: Rupert Holmes - ‘Escape (The Piña Colada Song)'

Well, we were on holiday...

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