War, women and heartbreak

Posted by Lianne Gutcher at 14:08 on 12 Apr 2010

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So while running off to war may not help brokenhearted men, it's a totally different proposition for the girls.

Coming to Afghanistan allowed me to extract myself from a relationship that was, if not dead exactly, then passed out on the floor. Being newly single after a two-and-a-half-year relationship was a far more pleasant experience in Kabul than being single in London ever was. I lived in London for three years and you couldn't pay men to go on dates with me. Actually, that's not quite true. I went on a handful of first dates but never any second dates which in some ways is even more upsetting. It's kind of like: "Well, I sort of liked the look of you but, actually, having spent an evening in your company, I think, actually, not."

Quite a few of my friends seem to have run away to war not to recover from heartbreak but to escape relationships that they couldn't quite managed to end otherwise. This is a bit extreme, really but it seems to do the trick.

BF2, writing from her new African war zone, emailed: "There is something quite final about, 'I am going to kabul, it is a war zone, no you can't come... and shame they don't allow tourists...' It worked perfectly!"

I've moaned before about how Kabul may not be the place to find true love or a stable, long-lasting relationship but the opportunities for rebound flings abound - if you are a girl.

Just-Married-Kabul-Veteran left the UK in 2001 to escape marriage. "Called off my wedding (to a different man than the one I did just marry, of course) with a few weeks to go and legged it to Afghanistan. Had so many wonderful romances -  a CIA agent, an Iranian diplomat who used to take me on 3am bike rides around Kabul, an American sniper who had a gun named Cedric. (That one turned out to be a relationship breaker the first time I woke up to find Cedric on the bedside table pointed at my side of the bed). "

The sense of danger coupled with illicit romance - many of us have spent time on military bases with separate male and females quarters where relationships may result in being sent home - can be intoxicating.  A friend still glows pink when she recalls the after-dark assignations she had with Hunky Dutch Captain in an armoured personnel carrier. It was "hot and steamy in there, pitch black, and the straps on the ceiling provided for excellent manoeuvrability," she recalls.

And being in a war zone can give you a final sense of closure. BF1's first experience of war was this: "I went to Burundi (a small easy-going war compared to Afghanistan at the time, but still a war!) to escape my collapsing marriage. Found the gunfire and rockets therapeutically distracting. The mayhem reflected the mess in my head, and I knew it was truly, truly over when I felt really scared and was STILL glad he wasn't there."  

BF1 went on to say something about the delights of "development boy ass" but I will not expand on this as I do not want any readers to think we would ever objectify men in such a shallow way.

But as Just-Married-Kabul-Veteran warns its crucial to know when to call it a day. "Remember the old saying: a Special Forces boy is for the weekend not for life. You've got to know when your heart is fixed and you can come home ready for real life again. I did and it's great."

Yeah. I'm not sure if I'm quite there yet.

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