Experiment One is GO

Posted by Lucy Robinson at 13:22 on 10 Feb 2010

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At last! Part one of my foolhardy experiment is coming to fruition!

As you may recall, I recently decided to undertake two experiments as part of an investigation into why my dating experience has been nothing short of a TOTAL DISASTER. Details here. And Experiment One is looking good to go: someone has started emailing me online, I have replied, he has replied, then me again... and I think we will be going on a date.  

Once that has been arranged, I will brace myself, post our correspondence right here on marieclaire.co.uk and then crawl into a small dark hole to die like an ageing badger. I'm already scarlet with shame at the prospect of sharing it with you.

But ho hum. We're all in this together and whatnot. If the date turns out to be rubbish - which it invariably will - then you can tell me whether or not I should have gone out with him in the first place.

All I'm prepared to disclose at this point is that his name is Joss, but don't worry; I haven't caught any whiff of incense from his emails and there are no mung-beans in his pictures. In fact I'm probably a lot more of a hippy than he is. (One day I will tell you about my strange hippyish ways and you will laugh and pity me. Just like I laughed at and pitied all of my organic raw vegan friends until my health went down the crapper and I had to swallow my pride and embrace alternative health.)

Anyway, enough about that.

While I gear up to the shame of this experiment, I wanted to ponder heartbreak again. Just a little bit, don't worry. It's only because recently, two good friends of mine have been left with totally broken hearts and even though one of them is male I've given them the same advice: get online and order - as a matter of ABSOLUTE URGENCY, a book called It's Called a Breakup Because it's Broken.

You may be nodding sagely at this point because you, too, have had your backside saved by this wonderful little tome. I'm slightly dismayed that I haven't mentioned it before because if you are truly heartbroken - and I'm not just talking a few tears and a couple of weeks of feeling crap, I'm talking full on can-someone-please-take-me-to-the-vet-and-have-me-put-to-sleep-because-I-cannot-take-another-moment-of-feeling-like-this - then you need to know about this book. If a friend of yours is heartbroken, don't even bother to read the rest of this blog, just go and buy her this book. Apart from anything else she might stop calling you to scream about her inner torment.

I should warn you that it's preposterously American - the writers will call you things like "Superfox Break-up Warrior!" and other, similarly unforgivable monikers - but the basic message - that a broken heart will ONLY be cured if you cut your ex out of your life completely -  is a frigging lifesaver. A few days after my breakup, when I was capable of putting one foot in front of the other and tapping my credit card details into amazon.com, I ordered it on express delivery. I was surprised and heartened to see that this book seemed to have more reviews than the Booker Prize winner that I was also ordering. Hundreds of women, all over the world, were all saying that it had saved them from heartbreak-related death and reading these comments I stopped feeling alone and started feeling like I was a member of a club. Not the sort of club I wanted to be a member of, granted, but a club that would probably be worth the subscription in the end.

I read avidly. In fact I'd often lock myself into the toilet at work, devouring it hungrily while enraged colleagues with bursting bladders hammered on the door. I couldn't stop reading; it was like morphine.

If you're buying it for your friend, you can expect her to email you tearfully saying that she's "not ready for it yet" because it is pretty ruthless; it'll force her to confront a) the fact that she will never get him back and b) that the relationship was crap anyway, whatever she might think and c) that she cannot have any contact with him at all. But stand firm and insist she goes with it. I've sent it to seven friends since my breakup; four followed it and like me are absolutely fine and happy now; three abandoned it after chapter one and are a complete wreck, dragging things out painfully and being completely mad and miserable in the process.

Anyway, that's it. I just wanted you to know about it.

I'll report back on my internet date soon as.

Gulp.

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