Dirty weekend

Posted by Lucy Robinson at 20:00 on 18 Jan 2010

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In my inbox from Jake today:

"Hi Robinson. Fancy a dirty weekend out of London soon?"


In my drafts folder now:

Dear Jake,

RE: Dirty Weekend

Many thanks for the above invitation which I received on 18th January 2010.

I was somewhat surprised to receive it and thought it appropriate to address some of my more pressing concerns in writing.

Firstly, I am a little confused by your apparent willingness to undertake a minibreak with me - one which, as I am given to understand, will involve full sex. This offer directly contradicts your recent statement that I am (I quote) "mental" and suffering "serious issues" and that I am someone whose "games" you are no longer interested in playing.

I wonder if perhaps you imagine there to have been subsequent conversations between us that have resolved these issues regarding my sanity? Or have you simply decided to overlook my psychiatric problems? Perhaps my disorder is more severe than originally thought and, when I am better, I will find out that we did resolve these problems and subsequently commence a relationship with each other. After all, as I'm sure you will agree, the accepted convention is to suggest a "dirty weekend" to your girlfriend, rather than to a woman who has ceased communicating with you.

Furthermore, given the conversations that we had regarding your lifestyle, I also wish to clarify what your plans are for this weekend beyond sexual intercourse. Is the proposed means of transportation a stolen car? Will the entertainment on the Saturday evening comprise a night in a hostel partaking in LSD? Will I be able to meet any of your friends or will they be too busy trying to have sexual relations with you themselves? I cannot forget, after all, your assertion that you are an ethereally talented lover and would want some reassurance that you would be able to limit the number of women who interrupted our activities, begging for a private audience with you.

Finally, I was somewhat troubled by your use of my surname. The privilege of referring to me by my surname is one that is conferred only on good friends. I feel that you do not fit into this category and am keen to discover what I have said - presumably during one of my "mental" outbursts - that you felt able to address me as "Robinson." Perhaps, though, given that we are obviously on terms sufficiently comfortable for you to regularly telephone me at 4.30am, I am being a little stuffy.

I would be most grateful if you could respond to the points above at your earliest convenience.

Yours Sincerely,

Lucy Robinson

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