True Love

Posted by Lucy Robinson at 23:03 on 30 Sep 2009

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I took a brief holiday from internet dating this week so that I could have some very stern words with myself about all of this snogging. There was only one place for me, I thought: Robinson Towers. My parents had disappeared to Ireland on some romantic break and so I took it upon myself to rescue my beloved dog, Grouse, from kennels. Perhaps he would knock some sense into me, I thought.

Au contraire, reader. Au contraire. As the train headed out of Paddington I felt a sense of uncontrollable excitement and broke into a really stupid smile that was still persisting as we sailed through Slough several miles down the track (and as John Betjeman pointed out, there are few reasons to smile round there.) I was munching a particularly fetid BLT but not even that soggy monster was enough to quell my increasingly frenzied state of anticipation.

The reason for this building sense of insanity was Grouse. The excitement I feel when I go to visit that little rascal is basically the same as the  breathless/goonish/mushy/smiley/idiotic/stomach-flipping nonsense that I feel when I'm on the third date with someone I really like. It really is quite uncontrollable.

The closer we got to my home town, the more I smiled. I even let out a few low-level whoops. GROUSE! I AM COMING TO RESCUE YOU! I yelled silently.

As I drove off to the kennels in our rather dog-stinky car, I was idly thinking about my next date (no info yet beyond the fact that he has a posh name) and suddenly it came to me: Grouse is my ideal man. He is the perfect partner. Here is why:

1.    I look at him and think that he is without doubt the most handsome boy I have ever seen. In fact, the older he gets, the more handsome he becomes. I take photos of him all day long and pore over his aesthetic magnificence. Woe betide the fool who asks me to see a picture of Grouse - pull up a chair, my friend, you will be here for some time.

2.    In his three years of existence he has made me laugh more than all of my friends combined (Um, sorry, chums. But those of you who have met him will understand this)

3.    He is utterly loyal.  He will never desert you (except when there is another dog cruising past whose bum he needs urgently to sniff, but don't worry, he'll be right back.) I don't need to use The Rules on Grouse. He doesn't mess me around. Granted, he tends not to call me very regularly but by golly, if he could he would. I know exactly where I stand with him. No games.

4.    He loves me with an almost overwhelming intensity. Look at that picture of us. Look at the love in his eyes! Look how much he loves me! Who could ask for greater devotion? Grouse will stare at me as I sleep. He will stick his nose into my face when he thinks that I am sad. He will steal my dinner off my plate when I am not looking - out of love, of course; he knows that I worry about my figure and is just being helpful.

5.    We have the best fun. We sit in bed together (his, not mine) and chat for hours. We never run out of good times and if things get a bit dull he will come charging into the room with a squeaking banana to loosen things up.

6.    There is no question of me ever falling out of love with him. Or him with me. Me and Grouse, til death us do part.

I am desperate to bore you with tales of all the funny things he did over the last few days but I won't because I know that some people don't understand dogs.

But I will tell you that when I arrived at his kennels to liberate him and he caught sight of me, he actually floored the strapping man who was escorting him off the premises. The poor chap - brawny, taller than 6' - was flying along the ground on his face clinging grimly to Grouse's lead. It was a terrible spectacle and to make matters worse I was bent double with laughter; completely unable to tell Grouse off. The man hated us both with a seething passion and handed Grousie over with nought but a chilling scowl. My blood would have frozen had I not been protected by the warm glow of an ecstatic Grouse.

If I ever meet a man who will knock out innocent bystanders in his desperation to get to me, I will be a very happy girl. Unswerving devotion, I tell you. It must be out there somewhere. But for the time being, I will stick to my Grouse. He is my one true love.

Coming up next: I am seriously considering a date with a man called Archibald. And I ain't even joking.  

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