V Festival Highs and Lows

Posted by Gill Sutherland at 08:49 on 25 Aug 2009

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1 Amy’s back!
Amy made a delightful guest spot appearance with the Specials, crooning ably along to You’re Wondering Now. And of course, not one to miss the opportunity to cause a spot of bother, she later drunkenly ambled onstage during Pete Doherty’s set, seemingly just to be a bit, well, troublesome. Welcome home, Amy; it’s been a tad dull without you. Festival Frolics rating: good.
 
2 Snow Patrol
Who better to call when Oasis pull out of Sunday night’s Chelmsford set than reliable chappies SP? Arguably their covers of Wonderwall and Champagne Supernova and hilarious cardboard cutout of Liam were infinitely more entertaining than the croak-voiced Manc band’s efforts (see below). FF rating: good.
 
3 Liam (Saturday night at Stafford)
The ape gait, snarly delivery, don’t-give-a-fudgsicle ‘tude have morphed beyond charmingly characterful, done some kind of u-turn around whimsical parody and alighted on buffoonish bastardization and indeed lamentably lame notion of Liamness. Pity us, Chelmsford, we were the unlucky ones to witness to Stafford farrago and (please say it be true) final fandango of the once mighty Oasis. FF rating: godawful
 
4 Liam act-alikeys
Look lads, haven’t you read the above: it’s OVER. Now walk properly. FF rating: godawful
 
5 Amateurs
We know you’ve got a new cowgirl hat, Peruvian poncho and Hunter wellies just like wot Kate once wore to Glasto, but look luv, the sun is out, there is nought mud, and you look about as rock as a marshmallow Miss Kitty. And yes, Billie Piper, celebratory style hazard, we’re talking about you. Recent birth-giving is no excuse. FF rating: godawful
 
6 Lady GaGa
We were peachy keen to behold the showtacular that is the Lady GaGa set: would she wear the exploding bra? The mirror dress? Maybe her pants would do something cabaret-tastic during Poker Face? Well, from our mid-tent vantage point we saw, erm, her hand. She had false nails on. Hey organisers! Would it kill you to get some frickin screens? FF rating: goofy
 
7 Twittering screenage
Between bands, the giant mainstage screens flicker with banal txts zapped in from the waiting crowd: “Candy is hot!” “hey trish welcom to ur first v!! andyxx” “Herrrrooooo!” etc It is head-fudgingly annoying, but something makes you read them over and over until your brain explodes and you lie twitching in a pool of your own pear cider, another victim of Twit OD. FF rating: goofy
 
8 Onstage gurus
Lady GaGa loves us and wants use to know we are beautiful; Elbow’s Guy Garvey would like us to fall in love by greeting the person next to us; Katy Perry wants us to call our exes and tell them they’re gay… What is it, like National Have-A-Go Life Coach Weekend or somefink? Hey, popsters, Festival Frolics has some free flipping advice: shut up and get on with it. FF rating: goofy
 
9 Displays of buttock wobbling
Making up for the lack of sleb-spotting backstage at Stafford, the BEM Brazil bar came over a bit lads mag, and produced a bevy of scantily clad Latino lovelies who shook their posteriors in a pre-feminist display of jelly jiggyery. For the first time ever, Festival Frolics experiences wobbly arse envy. FF rating: good
 
10 Lads as ladies
Never before has Festival Frolics witnessed so many dragged up fellas at a festival. Maybe it’s the macho Oasis factor – they’re all so comfortable with their masculinity that they can dress as ladies and still be laddies. Whatever, it’s weird but Festival Frolics kinda likes it. FF rating: good
 
11 Singalong with Human League
Three-thousand people in a tent hollering “dontcha want me baby” fair brought a tear to Festival Frolics ageing eyeballs… FF rating: good

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