How are YOU anyway?

Posted by Katy Regan and Matt Black at 09:49 on 23 Jul 2009

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We’ve all done it haven’t we? Ended a relationship with someone. Slipped off into the night, never to be seen again. Got off scot-free. Easier for everyone if I just disappeared. Well that may work in my previous incarnation as a Londonite ( in a city of over seven million people, what are the chances of ever bumping into that person again?), but I’m afraid that doesn’t work in a small town like Berkhamsted, where you’re likely to see the same person at least three times a day, every day.

I must confess readers, I was the one to end it with Matt Black. I won’t go into details, but suffice it to say it wasn’t an easy decision, but a decision that needed to be made none the less.

It’s ok though, we are friends, shaky ones at present, but friends none the less. That’s more to his credit than mine, which brings me to the real reason for posting this blog. If and when you have ever finished a relationship, have you always given the other person the chance to say how they feel about it? Have you asked them to meet for coffee to ‘talk’? Have you called them to ask them how they’re doing?

Or have you, as I did, just left them, assuming they’d never want to speak to you again?

If it is the latter, you may want to reassess the situation, because it could be, that they genuinely do have something to say.

In my desire to make it as painless as possible for MB my strategy was to break it off via email and then avoid him for at least a month until the dust had settled. I’d assumed he would hate my guts anyway, and would rather saw his leg off than speak to me again. But what I didn’t consider as part of my selfless act was that I hadn’t given him a chance to tell me how he actually felt. So when I finally bumped into him after sneaking around Berko for a few weeks I realised my approach had been far from “selfless” or “kind” but in fact rather selfish. As I rambled on about myself, as I do when I’m nervous, he stopped me and said, “You haven’t even asked me how I am”. Needless to say I was rather taken aback.

“I didn’t want to ask. I didn’t want to rub salt into the wounds. I didn’t think you’d want to talk about it," was my response.

“It doesn’t matter if I want to talk about it or not. That’s my prerogative. But it’s up to you to give me the opportunity to.”

Hmmm… quite.

And so I did ask him how he felt, and he did tell me and so far it’s working out. There's been no pints thrown over my head (yet). I don't think he's erected a voodoo doll in his house. 

One thing I do know is that it’s only after we’d both had our say, that we really started to relax, to communicate, and have a real chance of being friends. I hope, anyway.

So if you’ve never asked someone you’ve finished with, “How are you?” then perhaps you should. You may get ignored, or worse, shouted at, but at least you gave them the right to reply, and that, after all, is the least you can do under the circumstances.

p.s. This blog was co-written by Matt Black. (I told you we were friends...)  

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