Death by step aerobics

Posted by Helen Whitaker at 01:46 on 28 May 2009

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One thing people always ask me about living in Hollywood is if I have embraced the healthy California lifestyle since moving here.

Not really.

Instead I have embraced the American-sized restaurant portions and am always in my car so walk about 90% less than I used to. So after much procrastinating I have joined the gym.

Most gyms over here offer a plethora of crazy-sounding classes (bow-wow bootcamp where you exercise with your dog anyone?), but I have decided to keep it simple, and do a step aerobics class a couple of times a week. I mean, step aerobics is practically retro these days, and even I know what a grapevine is (even if the last time I did performed the move was at university during a particularly violent hangover. My friend and I grapevined out of the class and down to the students’ union for a restorative lager top).
Plus the class schedule at my new gym said ‘all levels’, which I took to include uncoordinated but enthusiastic ‘tryers’ like myself.

Error.

I went to my first class last night and the first thing the male instructor said was “The new people should just try and keep up, but you probably won’t be able to for a while.”
Not very encouraging I thought fleetingly, but then I realised he wasn't kiddin. Without so much as a cursory demonstration he launched into a series of complex routines that wouldn’t look out of place on Britney’s current tour. I’d say about half the people got it (thankfully they were his regulars I found out at the end, not just freakishly adept types) while the rest of us stood there aghast without any clue where to start. Which you’d think would be the instructor’s cue to break it down for us a bit, or at least go, “for all you useless, clumsy fools, just keep doing this basic move instead while we give Janet Jackson a run for her money.”

No.

He was quite happy for 50% of his class to remain stationary while he kept adding new twiddly bits on to the already impossible routine. In the end I had to improvise or risk standing still for the whole thing so used the ‘school disco sidestep’ move as a fallback for every time I got lost.

By the end I was a sweaty mess with a massive failure complex. All I want to do is a bit of cardio to get fit and I came out feeling like the last person picked for the netball team! So I asked the instructor for a few tips to get up to speed. He replied (with pity in his eyes, I swear - LA gyms are HARSH places) that I’d have to keep coming and a few weeks down the line I’d start to pick it up.

Weeks! My school disco sidestep muscles are going to be tremendously toned by then.

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